When a child tells you they don’t feel comfortable around someone, pay attention.
Forcing Kids to Give Hugs Negates All Our Lessons about Consent & Body Autonomy
From the moment our kids can understand us, we start teaching them about consent and body autonomy. We tell them that their bodies are their own. We explain that no one should touch them against their will, especially in certain places or ways that make them uncomfortable.
Yes, we know these people. We feel safe with them. We feel like our kids are safe with them. So, we never think that something so simple, something that we did a million times as children, could undo so much hard work or send such a dangerous message. Put simply, we don’t think like kids, who are far more capable of seeing hypocrisy than we are as adults.
You see it as a familial obligation, but kids see it as something else
You see those forced hugs as part of life, as being polite, as just a moment of mild discomfort that’s over before it really even begins. Your child sees it for what it is- an oxymoron, a contradiction in term. To them, you’re saying, “Yes, you have autonomy over your body…unless we are at a family function, in which case, your body is free game.”
I don’t think I need to spell out why forcing kids to hug family members against their will sends a dangerous message, but just in case, I will. You are telling your child that they do not have autonomy over their body when a family member is involved.
How to navigate family functions while respecting your child
If your child rejects Aunt open arms, just say, “We’re teaching her that she has a right to decide what happens to her own body, and that goes for hugs, too. Give her time to get to know you.” It’s that simple.
If anyone objects, let them object. Should they roll their eyes or tell you that you’re coddling her, ignore it. If they call you “too soft,” respond with a “thanks!” After all, it’s a good thing to be a kind, gentle, and “soft” parent! A moment of mild confrontation with a family member is worth avoiding sending the wrong message to our kids, isn’t it?
If you’re really worried about offending anyone, Michigan State University has some fantastic tips to avoid the discomfort. A few examples that are so much better than just forcing kids to give hugs:
Talk to your relatives ahead of time. Let them know that your child is going through a shy phase and doesn’t like to give out hugs and you are uncomfortable with forcing them to do so.
Talk to your kids regularly about family members that they don’t see often, so they can get more comfortable with the idea of them. Show them pictures. Tell them stories. Set up monthly video chats to give them a chance to bond across the miles.
Teach your kids alternatives to hugging, like shaking hands, offering handpicked flowers, or even just waving. Whatever you choose, though, make sure they are comfortable with it.